It’s that moment when your listening to that one song. The song that you think was just another old song, but it’s not. It keeps taking you back to a place in time. A place in time where you cannot let go of that feeling every time you listen to it. You close your eyes and remember exactly where you were when it made that lasting impact on you. You remember the feelings and memories that it brings back.
You close your eyes each time it comes on and take a deep breath. You feel like your traveling back in time to a moment where you felt so care free, nothing else mattered. This little world was created, and wished and wished that leaving wasn’t an option. But the time came where leaving became a harsh reality, and everything was packed up slowly. Relishing the little remaining time one had left in this perfect world that was created.
The journey home begins. Coffee is purchased, phone is charged, headphones are on and boarding pass is already saved on the iPhone. You keep checking the gate number and departure time so your flight home isn’t missed. Sitting amongst the masses, you close your eyes one last time. And then it hits you. Like a ton of bricks. That your heart is scattered into million little pieces amongst the city, waiting for when they’ll be picked up one by one the next time you’re there. It’s that realization. This is one of my favourite cities. This is where I’m happy and alive. This is where I’m meant to be.
But life and work always come back into the fold. The memories are always there. Pinned up on a bulletin board, the wallpaper on the workplace monitor. The tattoos, the songs that are played during the day. The feeling that one is not where they should be at that exact moment. That feeling does not go away after a couple of days. It goes away after a couple of weeks. That the city is where you belong.
After a while you begin to feel complacent. That more needs to be done, but not sure what. The texts and the messages are all the same. Nothing new ever happens, nothing ever changes. You feel like your just the hamster in the wheel, running and running. Expecting to see something different.
It’s not just the complacency that gets to one. It’s the wants and desires that sit on the back seat, waiting, wishing and hoping to be fulfilled. “Will I do my masters, will I move, will I be successful, will I be an owned submissive…” Those thoughts keep turning, like the clog moving the clock.
It’s the moments where you keep questioning yourself. The moments where you would give up everything and jump ship to a new city. To be somewhere different. Somewhere new. Where you can start over again. And not have to continuously settle to be second best at most. To be the main girl.